omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
