Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
