my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
