When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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