shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
is wine microwaveable?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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