hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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