I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
