There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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