matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just cut my nipple shaving
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Randomize
