i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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