would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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