You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
We had to coat check the pizza.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
