Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
