Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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