never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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