I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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