I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
