I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
