I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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