And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
