I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
