I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize