she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
