I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
