proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
