It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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