this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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