my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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