you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Come see our sink grown plant.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
