dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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