everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
