Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
