I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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