I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
what day is it and did you see me today?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
