Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's no shave November. This is our time.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
