I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
