theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
