I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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