You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
