You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She bit a glass in half.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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