I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
