I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize