i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
should my penis look like a turkey
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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