i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
