Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
