Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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