Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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