shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
