i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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