Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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