its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
