Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
