I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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