glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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