he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
