Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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