i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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