I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
