Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
