Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
