You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
