the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
