if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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