That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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