i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
